Hollywood is in the wrong place

So after bunches of readers told me my book series would make a great sitcom, it went to my head and I’m actually (and I know you’ll all think I’m crazy) thinking of writing spec scripts and pitching it to someone. In case you haven’t guessed yet, I’m sort of pitching it to you, you the people who say you laugh out loud and sometimes have bladder control issues due to my snappy dialogue and hilarious situations. Whatdya’ think?

I did some research and it turns out that most sitcoms and television shows and even movies originate from Hollywood, California. I sort of suspected that since I once lived in Studio City and worked out of Central Casting. Yes, I was a face in the crowd. I’ve danced and chanted things like, “No HIV for the D-O-G-S,” or sat in a  fake studio audience and shouted, “Estrada or Nada!” I even ambled up a rain soaked street in Hollywood ranting like a madman for an episode of “Heroes.” I’m the dude in the red poncho. Not sure if they cut me out of that one, didn’t own a TV at the time so I never saw the episode.

I even got a bit part in an MTV video with Andy Samberg and Will Arnett. I was the scary, tough, biker dude who walks into the bar and gives them the stink eye. Unfortunately, my stink eye wasn’t stinky enough, or something, and they cut all but three seconds of me in my first and only appearance in an MTV video.

But I’m digressing here and should try to focus since it’s only 7:57 on a Tuesday. Back to the Hollywood/LA problem. I’m sitting in an incredibly small nondescript (notice how I cleverly got non and script into that? All us great scribblers do things like  that for some reason) town in the state of Maine. That’s three thousand miles from LA as the crow or unemployed writer flies.

It’s cold as Janury in Maine, but it’s April in Maine, so it shouldn’t be this cold, but it is. Fortunately, I spent three months in Florida before coming back to Maine a month too soon. Just to set the record straight, Florida is a long ways from Hollywood, too. It’s discouraging. Everywhere seems to be far away from Hollywood. A lot of people who look down their noses at the whole showbiz thing say that’s a good thing, but I don’t agree. It’s one more obstacle to getting the hilarious sitcom project off the ground. It’s the sitcom that’s hilarious, not the project.

Okay, maybe the project will be too, since a kook is running the show, so to speak (notice how I got show in there, too?) Phillip Roth and the guy who wrote, “The Prince of Tides” eat your hearts out. His name escapes my razor sharp mind at the moment. They’re really good writers and are always sneaking things into their writing. It’s a little bit like when movie theaters used to use subliminal frames in a movie to get you to buy more popcorn or Milk Duds. Writers do that to subliminally put a thought or idea into your head, but you probably knew all this, right?

Back to Hollywood, I wish. I lived on Laurel Canyon Blvd. while I was in California and really enjoyed my time there. I met a lot of nice people and had a nice adventure.
But all good things must come to an end and it’s almost fishing season here in Maine (as soon as ice out when the ice melts off the ponds and stuff). So it does make sense that I’m here. I also have family here that I love, but I have family in California that I love, too. I don’t want to leave anybody out. You know how that goes.

So why is Hollywood in the wrong place? It’s because there are some really fine writers and a few nuts like me who can make people laugh. We’re not in Hollywood. There should be a way to just send them a script and a written proposal exploring the character arcs and how I envision the series and to sell it to them. My funny characters and multiple situations are a great vehicle. (I’m doing it again) But will that vehicle get me to Hollywood? Should it?

Maybe showbiz should have branch offices. If there was one down in Portland, say, or even Waterville, I could drive down and drop the script off personally and pop in and say, “Howdy,” maybe press a little flesh and get back up here to god’s (forsaken) country in time to cook supper and watch a PBS documentary on something socially and culturally uplifting.

Well, anyway, that’s the deal on Hollywood and the Annie McCauley television series. I’ll keep you updated until ice out and the fish start biting. If you have any contacts in Hollywood and would like to see my books and characters turned into a series, I’m open to suggestions and meeting new people. Somewhere on this blog there’s even a contact form or you can comment.